My Current Mood: Turn Up Your Speakers: Love Me When I'm Gone by Three Doors Down is playing
Hello. This is my online journal.
Once Upon a time at 3 in the morning a girl sat down at a computer to write about her life. Then she realized that's it's hard the put the whole thing down at once, so decided to take it day by day instead. Hence; this thing was created!
My name is Maggie I'm 18 years old I live in Vermont I'm an aquarius
I like to draw and paint and collect radom things. I also like to dress in odd clothing, chat with my friends, sleep,smoke cigs, eat and listen to music
I like ice cream and french fries I work at a coffee place, so my hands always smell like coffee I've been to China and Thailand My Website My Email Addy My AIM SN: RagWeedFairy
Likes: "ugly things", anime, any kind of music besides pop, rap, and mainstream shit, Mary Jane (on occasion), potatoes, trees and the outdoors, swimming, fishnet stockings, Le Creme mousse, Sprit Remix, shiny things, art, dogs, snakes, orca whales, talking to people, singing, baby animals, icecream, sleeping, driving, mangos, smoking, beef, the color green, the color black, the color blue, annnnd traveling to far of places
Dislikes: the color pink, pasta, bread, coliflower, raisins, scallops, tomatoes, stupid people, spounge bob sqaure ass, MTV, Abercrombie & Fitch, cat hair, razor blades, killing anything (in real life), American Flags, President Bush, The White Stripes, shitty anime, peely skinned people, posers, Vermont hick accents, death, air planes, being treated like a little kid, and working at a job that I hate
Favorite Band: Incubus Favorite Anime: FLCL Favorite Food: French Fries Favorite Movie And Book: Fight Club What I Say The Most: "I'll do it later."
Here's a Great Place To Checkout!
Nov 13, 2003
I'm So Close To Sleeping
listening-Glycerine, Bush*
Well, I must apologize for my last entry. I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I was blowing off shit. Here's a poem that I'm writting on the spot:
Tonight I'm on my knees. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I just want to heal. I want the wind the blow my pain away. The wind is cold. The wind in my element. If I told you I cared, would you beleive me? If I told the world that I beleive, would I feel better? I've tried. So tonight I'm on my knees praying for an answer, a becon of hope. I don't beleive in Jesus or the bible, but I beleive in you. I think about the people in the warm sun now, swimming threw the coral reefs. That was me three years ago. I never that that go. I wish I was there, I wish I was where you are. I wish I could take your hand and tell you everything's going to be ok. I just want to be your friend again. I let the wind run it's fingers threw my hair. My cigarrette ashes blow away. I save my crying for another day...
You'll Find Your Theme Song While Driving To Therapy
*listening to-At Leaste We're Dreaming, Eve 6*
I was driving to my therapy session when this song came on the radio. Even though I'm not an Eve 6 fan, I really like the lyrics cause it's exactly the way I feel.
At Least We're Dreaming
When do we get to the part where I can go home,
been hiding inside the jungle gym for way too long
waiting for someone to come along and find me
live in an apartment that bums me out
it don’t get better when the lights go out
waiting for someone to come along and find me
swiming through the isles at the grocery store
I don’t even know what im lookin for
waiting for someone to come along and find me
at least I'm breathin
at least I'm alive
as long as I'm dreaming
everythings gonna be alright
to the corner to call collect
your mother wants to know are you happy yet
waiting for someone to come along and find you
going out at night lookin for distractions
sleeping through the day there's no redemption
waiting for someone to come along and find you
at least I'm breathin
at least I'm alive
as long as I'm dreaming
everythings gonna be alright
Im alright, I tell myself twice
in the mirror before I can't go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby I need some time
I need to get a dime bag from my guy
at least I'm breathin
at least I'm alive
as long as I'm dreaming
everythings gonna be alright
Im alright, I tell myself twice
in the mirror before I cant go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby I need some time
I need to get a dime bag from my guy
Depression feels like your in an empty dark room staring at a white screen. I haven't been this depressed in months. My mouths all dry and my eyes are teary, but I can't seem to cry. Every freaking time I open my heart up, I get bashed down. By everyone! God I haven't felt so alone in a long time. It's like.... I've finally snapped. I've held it in as long as I could and its come pouring out everywhere. I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. I mean, I feel like dieing but when I say that, people get pissed at me. I'm so sick of being in pain. I can't fucking stand it anymore! I tell people i care about them, I try to be honest and.... always rejection! No one will take a chance with me, no one at all! I mean come on, what am I? Some kind of freak! Uh yea. So I can't take the whole freaking, "you're a really cool person but..." again. Stupid Brett! What the fuck! I haven't even seen him in 5 months. I'm gonna go hide under my rock now, bye.
P.S. I just want to be held by someone and loved, I really do ^, .0
After having a bad conversation on the phone with a friend, I wrote this song.
Promised The World
When she was born, they promised her the world, she was their most pretty little girl.
But now they don't care at all, all they can do is watch her fall and fall.
When he called me...
I tried to tell him the truth about how I feel, about aches and pains, and how they feel so real.
But when all's said and done, I feel my heart has leaft me, I feel like it's gone.
I should have asked "What's got you so blue?"
But the thing is, I didn't want to know the truth.
Wearing black, back turned to the wind and the world, I felt nothing more than like a broken hearted girl.
But I couldn't cry, and my worst fear,
is that they'd tell me I was going to die
Across the planet, across the world,
was more fed up, sad, people, all curled...
into balls in their beds.
They just wanted a way out of their heads.
I have one last thing to say,
if there is a god, you'd better not pray.
Cause He never seems to listen, praying never does me any good,
When she was born, they promised her the world.
*listening to Take My Hand-Dido* Well, time for another update-to-my-life. Nothing much has been happening. And the stuff that has.... well, I'd rather keep it all to myself. So anyways, I'm just tired I guess of everything; parents, my job, writting papers, worrying, smoking, talking to my friends (online), talking to people I've never even met (online), ect. It's like everything is getting old really fast. And I've been eating a ton out of misery. It's like.... the only thing that I want right now is for someone to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Yea, I guess that's what I want.
But, like the song goes: You can't always get what you want, you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find that get what you need.
Ain't life screwy? It tosses you around like you're in the ocean or something.....
Why does it seem like every one around me is hooked up with someone?!
I'm really wanting somebody..... But every guy I have ever wanted a relationship with has rejected me and chose someone else over me. I guess I feel unwanted, and I have become kind of distant and cold.
And there I am again, laying in my bed and I resort to masterbation because I feel like I need to feel pleasure of some kind. Virgin for life (not by my choice). If you're a nice guy that wants to take me the hell out of here... hey, I'd fuck you.
Blah, I ate too much General Tso chicken and now I'm shaking.
Perhaps I ain't pretty afterall...
Yes Yes Yes!!! Today was a very good day, though it started shitty and I cried abit. BUT THEN I saw Penny! And then I saw Sean and Chris! And we had allot of fun driving around looking for a store that selled prono mags (I think the reason was that Sean couldn't look at porn online at is house and he was deprived ;) Our search was never finished but I had a really good time and it was really nice to see my friends again. It made me feel a shit load better. Freedom is driving cars!!!
He's a dicussion that I'm having with my friend about love, this is what I think *I'm Ragweedfairy and I changed his name out of respect*
RagWeedFairy: well
RagWeedFairy: how are you?
000: pritty bad
RagWeedFairy: oh
RagWeedFairy: why?
000 i was just in a realationship with this girl but she told me she was gay the other day
RagWeedFairy: at school?
000: yah
RagWeedFairy: oh shit
RagWeedFairy: im sorry
RagWeedFairy: so youre breaking up?
000: yah
000: yesterday
RagWeedFairy: damn...
RagWeedFairy: well i aint got anyone
RagWeedFairy: its just me and my right hand
RagWeedFairy: heh
RagWeedFairy: im straving for a relationship
RagWeedFairy: you know?
000: yah
RagWeedFairy: love sucks
RagWeedFairy: i think
RagWeedFairy: for the most part
RagWeedFairy: well... not real love
000: yah thats waht im thinkin now
RagWeedFairy: just the kind thats seems like love
RagWeedFairy: but its not
RagWeedFairy: its just shit
RagWeedFairy: really love...
RagWeedFairy: is like loving your kids
RagWeedFairy: or your sister
000: yah i believe in that
RagWeedFairy: or someone who really cares about you and will never abandon you
RagWeedFairy: but thats...
RagWeedFairy: very rare
RagWeedFairy: especially when your a teenager
RagWeedFairy: i thinl
RagWeedFairy: think
Don't count on me, cause I don't count of anything...
*listening to: Never Is A Promise-Fionna Apple*
Well, so much is going on inside my head; it's hard to write it all down. Apperently I'm being forced against my will by my parents to visit a college tomarrow. Hmm, the only place I really wanted to visit... well I'm not allowed to. Yay, I've been driving alone around town. I'm trying to plan to see my friends Penny, Chris, and Sean on Sunday, but I keep feeling like it will all fall threw. I feel very confused. I'm not good at making plans. I like to do things at the spur of the moment.
=(-.-)=
Anyways I need to visit SOMEONE, cause I'm going crazy with being so lonely and not being able to talk to anyone in real life. My family doesn't count, let's leave it at that. So I have no idea what the hell is going to happen this weekend... I know I DO have to keep writting my god damn paper or I won't go anywhere. And that reeeeaally ticks me off; how my dad thinks that he can still punish me. I say "Why do you treat me like I'm still in High School?"
He says "You act like it." I DO NOT!!! If he just took the time to realize that I'm in a lot of pain and trying to get my life together... ah well parents.... someday I'll escape them.
